


Struggling

by Larry_Klaine_Stylinson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-23
Updated: 2013-04-23
Packaged: 2017-12-09 06:28:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/771086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larry_Klaine_Stylinson/pseuds/Larry_Klaine_Stylinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis had had anorexia when he was younger, and he'd thought he was recovered, but as he scrolled through twitter he saw a few comments about his tummy, and they sent him spiraling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Struggling

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written as a prompt fill on Tumblr.

Louis was sitting on his and Harry's sofa. Harry was out with Ed going for a spot of coffee or something, and Louis had opted to stay home. He loved Ed, and he obviously loved Harry, but he knew that the two of them didn't get much time together on their own, because he was nearly always tagging along. And if he knew Harry at all, which he did, he knew him like the back of his hand, then he knew that sometimes Harry just needed a bit of time with his mates.

He decided to take his free time to reply to some of the fans, because he hadn't been keeping up with them as much lately, and he really liked to let them know how appreciated they were. He'd replied to a few already who had just told him that they loved him, and he'd said he loved them too, and thank you for supporting him and the boys. As he continued to scroll, though, he began noticing some people mentioning his tummy. They seemed to all be nice comments, but Louis couldn't see how pointing out that someone was fat was nice.

Now, it wasn't as if anyone had said "Oh, look how cute and fat Louis is." but they were saying things like "I love Louis' little tummy." and things, and maybe if Louis were more secure with himself it wouldn't bother him.

That was upsetting to him, though, because he had thought he was better. He had thought that he wasn't worried about his weight anymore, but that obviously wasn't true if a few tweets here and there mentioning the fact the he had a bit of a pudge on his stomach had him completely reeling.

Louis had been extremely self conscious when he was younger, and by the age of fifteen he'd developed a case of anorexia. He didn't know it was called that at the time, though. He just knew that he never ate and when he did eat he felt horribly guilty and as if he were letting himself down. Because he felt so fat all the time, and he didn't want to be, and no matter what he did it didn't help, and so he'd just stopped eating and that had been that. He'd begun to get ill, though, and he was scared, but he couldn't tell anyone because from what he'd heard, starving yourself was a girl problem, and he didn't want everyone thinking he was a girl.

It had gone on for nearly a two years, with Louis just eating barely enough to keep himself alive. Eventually, though, he'd passed out and been taken to the hospital, and his mum had asked him what was wrong and he'd broken down and told her.

He had been recovered for a few months when he auditioned for the X Factor, and he was still a bit insecure at first. He was afraid of being on the telly for fear of people judging him or thinking he was the 'fat' one of the group. But the lads had all worked together to convince Louis that he was prefect and needn't worry about any of that, because they all loved him and needed him in the band. He'd felt better after that.

And then he and Harry had ended up falling in love, and Harry had kissed him and held him and told him how perfect he was each and every day. And Louis didn't mind when Harry saw him naked because he didn't feel fat and he didn't feel ugly and he felt completely worthy of every ounce of love that Harry had to offer him, and it was a really amazing feeling.

But scrolling through his twitter feed now it was taking him back to that place, mentally, of the insecure fifteen year old with friends who made him feel like shit and a body that looked nothing like how he wanted it to.

He closed out of his twitter app and set his phone down next to him, closing his eyes and breathing deeply and telling himself that his body was fine. Even if it still wasn't what he wanted it to be, it was fine and he liked it and Harry loved it. He was perfect to Harry and everything was okay.

But the seed had been planted in his head now. That little thought, picking at the back of his mind, that his tummy was actually huge. That maybe he thought he was smaller than he actually was, and what if in actuality, he looked pregnant? What if he'd gained weight over the years and Harry didn't really love him anymore, but couldn't bring himself to say it?

He felt tears prickling in the corners of his eyes and didn't try to stop them from falling. He cried for a bit, and then pulled himself together, knowing Harry would be home soon. He turned on the telly and flipped to some old episode of Skins, and a few moments later, Harry was walking through the front door.

"Hey, Boo Bear." Harry smiled, plopping down next to Louis on the couch. "I missed you. Thanks for letting me have a day out with Ed, though. We needed a bit of time, just the two of us."

"I thought you would." Louis said, feigning cheeriness.

"You okay?"

"Hm?"

"Are you okay, Louis?"

"Never better." Louis smiled. "Why do you ask?"

"You just seem a little off. Promise you're okay?"

"I promise, Harry. I'm completely fine."

"Okay." Harry nodded. "I'm going to go make us some dinner then, yeah?"

Louis nodded, and Harry wandered off into the kitchen. Louis listened as pots and pans were shuffled about and things were placed onto the hot stove, making sizzling sounds. He listened to the sound of Harry's knife on the cutting board, and he found that although he was quite hungry, he was absolutely dreading the time Harry would pop his head out of the kitchen and announce that dinner was ready.

That moment came all too soon for Louis' taste as Harry popped his curly head into the room, smiling widely, "Dinner is served, my good sir." He grinned.

Louis smiled a genuine smile at that. No matter how much he did not want to eat right now, he couldn't deny that he would enjoy his company during this meal. Just as he always enjoyed Harry's company. He was a light in Louis' sometimes very dark life, and he always managed to bring a smile to his face, even in his worst moments.

He stood from the couch, walking into the kitchen and sitting down across from Harry at their little table. The food smelled delicious and his stomach growled, but he didn't allow himself to eat. Instead he talked idly with Harry whilst cutting his food into bits and occasionally looking as if he were going to take a bite, waiting for Harry to look away and dropping the food back on his plate.

Harry didn't seem to notice, even when he cleared the plates away, and Louis smiled, glad that his old tricks from when he was younger still worked.

He and Harry went out and sat on the couch, and Harry put in some DVD or another, and Louis just sort of curled up to his side and closed his eyes, nuzzling his nose into Harry's curls and just breathing, soothing himself with a scent that was all Harry's. His stomach growled then, and he nearly let out a groan of annoyance. Couldn't it just shut up?

"Are you still hungry?" Harry asked him. "I could make you something for dessert, if you want?"

"No." Louis said. "No, I'm fine." He held Harry closer, snuggling into his side a bit more.

"Okay." Harry said, wrapping his arms tightly around Louis.

Louis felt safe and protected in Harry's hold, and he knew that as long as he had Harry to hold him at night, he'd be fine without any food. He didn't need food. He needed to look nice enough to be able to keep Harry, that's what he needed. If he ever lost Harry he didn't know what he would do.

"I love you, Harry." He sighed.

"I love you, Lou." Harry said, kissing the top of his head.

000

Life went on like this for the next two months, and only once had anything gone wrong.

Harry had been undressing Louis one night, and his hands had brushed along Louis' sides, and Louis could tell that Harry could feel each of his ribs separately. He gave Louis a concerned look and then gave him a once over. He raised his eyebrow.

"Louis, are you okay?" He had asked him.

Louis had asked what he meant, and Harry had explained his reason for asking. Said that he looked much thinner than he had a few weeks ago, and Louis had just smiled and told him that he was one hundred percent alright. Because he was. Especially if he was noticeably losing weight. That was exactly what he wanted.

Harry still didn't notice when he skipped meals, and his stomach had stopped growling, used to the lack of food. He wasn't sure when the last time he'd eaten even a measly snack was, and his stomach didn't seem to care anymore. Maybe it was gearing up for him to die. But Louis wasn't going to die. He wasn't stupid. He wasn't going to let it go that far. He was just going to keep losing weight. He was going to get really skinny, and surely Harry would never ever think of leaving him once he was as skinny as he'd always dreamed of being.

And then the fans could stop talking about his tummy. They could start talking about how skinny he was and how nice he looked with his shirt off, just like they did with the rest of the lads. The lads always looked nice with their shirts off, and the fans never failed to mention it. He wanted them to talk about him that way as well. He wanted to feel worthy of being talked about that way.

Harry was out with a few of his mates from back home, and Louis decided that maybe going for a bit of a jog would be a good idea. Clear his head of any desires to eat that had been building up and help him burn some calories in the process.

He put on some sweatpants and his trainers and was out the door. He made it a few blocks from their house when he began to get exceedingly dizzy. He forced himself to run just a bit more, but then turned around to head back home. He thought maybe he'd just drink a bit of water. Just to hydrate himself. That was obviously why he was dizzy. Dehydration.

He made his way back to his and Harry's and made it through the front door. That's when everything went blurry. He couldn't see more than an inch in front of him and his legs began to shake. He must have over exerted himself, but he'd be fine once he got some water, he was sure of it.

That's when his legs gave out, and he felt himself falling to the floor. He felt almost as if he was moving in slow motion, he felt his head hit the floor, and it hurt. He needed to get to the kitchen and get some water. He heard his stomach growl and nearly yelled in agitation. He thought it was through with that. He began to crawl towards the kitchen. He just...He needed water.

He heard a car door close out front, and then Harry's voice yelling goodbye to his friends, and then everything went black.

000

When Louis awoke he was in a hospital bed. He was hooked up to various machines, and there were beeping sounds filling his ears. It reminded him of the time when he was younger, and he suddenly felt terrified. Had Harry brought him here? What would he think? He'd leave him for sure now, wouldn't he? He'd think he was not only fat, but also weak, and that would be it. He'd be gone.

He looked around the room in a panic, trying to find someone, but he was alone.

He rested his head back against the uncomfortable hospital pillows and breathed in deeply. A few moments later the door opened, he opened his eyes and saw Harry's curly head as he tiptoed into the room. Harry looked over at him, smiling happily at the sight of him.

"Oh, good. You're finally awake." Harry said. "I was getting lonely sitting here all by myself."

"What happened?" Louis asked, not remembering much very clearly.

"I was hoping you could tell me." Harry said, sipping a bit of coffee. "I came home from a day out with some old mates to my boyfriend lying on the floor, sweaty and unconscious, looking as if he'd just been out for a jog, and looking far skinnier than I can ever remember him being."

Louis pursed his lips, his eyes dropping from Harry's to the scratchy blanket of the hospital bed.

"Louis, I was terrified." Harry said quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed Louis was stuck in. "I was so afraid I was going to lose you. Why didn't you tell me you were relapsing? I could've helped."

"I didn't want you to leave me." Louis said quietly.

"What would ever give you the idea that I'd leave you?" Harry asked, sounding shocked. "I love you, Louis."

"But I'm not good enough for you."

"Because you have anorexia?" Harry asked. "Louis, it's a disease, just like...Like cancer. I mean, it's a little different, but it's still a disease, Louis. I'd hope you wouldn't leave me if I got cancer, and I know I won't leave you over your anorexia. I was always a little afraid it would come back, us spending so much time in the public eye. I know it must be hard on you. Louis, it's hard on me, and I haven't been through half of what you have. But you should have told me."

"No, Harry, I'm not good enough for you because I'm fat."

"You aren't, though. I know you feel that way, and I'm not going to tell you to stop thinking it, because I know it's hard. I called your mum after we got here and you were really out of it for a few hours and I just needed someone to talk to. I'd...I'd sort of understood anorexia before, but your mum told me a lot about it, and a lot about you specifically. And I'm sorry if that feels like an invasion of privacy, love, but I needed to know because if I make this worse I'll never forgive myself. I need to know how to handle things."

Louis was taken aback by Harry's interest in making sure he knew what to say and how to help, and he couldn't help but feel an overwhelming amount of love for the younger boy sitting next to him. He hadn't expected him to care so much or try so hard. He'd expected him to get scared and run.

"You promise I'm not fat?"

"Louis, I promise. In fact as soon as we get you out of here I'm going to start cooking dinner every night and making sure you eat all of it, because you've gotten too skinny for my taste." He smiled. "Your mum said I should ask you why." He added, his tone changing now, sounding slightly more serious, but still soft and sweet.

"Why what?" Louis asked, trying to make sure he knew what Harry was asking before answering.

"Why you relapsed. What set you off, Lou?"

"Just...I was scrolling through twitter and some people were talking about how I've got a bit of a tummy. They were all fans, and they weren't being nasty about it, but it just made me think...Like, what tummy? Who else has noticed this tummy that maybe doesn't like it? And then I got scared that you didn't like it, and I just...I don't want you to ever leave me, Harry. And if I had some stupid tummy now that I didn't have before then I was afraid that you-"

"Lou." Harry cut him off, setting down his coffee cup and taking Louis' hands in his. "The fans love your tummy, and so do I. You've always had it, and it's gone now." Harry said, running one of his hands over Louis' extremely thin stomach above the blanket. "But we'll get it back, yeah?"

"I don't want a tummy, Harry. I don't want people to think I'm fat and that I don't-"

"Louis, listen to me." Harry said, taking Louis' face in his warm, large hands. "Your stomach is gorgeous. It's not fat in the slightest. It never has been. You're perfect, and I want your tummy back. You were at the perfect healthy weight for your size with that tummy and I won't rest until I see it again."

"Promise you won't let me get fat, though, Harry. Please. If I start eating too much then you have to stop me and let me know."

"You won't." Harry said, looking Louis right in the eyes. "But I promise I'll tell you."

"Has mum suggested you send me to therapy?" Louis asked, sighing heavily.

"She said to leave it up to you at first, but that if you don't start getting better I need to heavily suggest it." Harry smiled.

"D'you think you can fix me, Harry? If I really try and I tell you when I'm struggling. D'you think you could?"

"I think that I'll do my best."

"And your best is always perfect." Louis smiled.

"Then we'll get you better, won't we?"

Louis nodded, smiling, and leaning forward to kiss Harry gently.

"I'll get you healthy again." Harry said, kissing every inch of Louis' face. "You'll be my perfect, flawless Boo Bear. No matter what you weigh you're perfect, but we'll get you just right again. We'll get you healthy and happy, okay?"

"Okay." Louis nodded.

"And most importantly I'm going to remind you of how to love yourself just as much as I love you, yeah?"

Tears sprung to Louis' eyes, and he blinked hard, "Yeah." He smiled. "Thank you, Harry."

"Any time, Lou. Absolutely any time."

"I love you, Hazza."

Harry leaned in, kissing Louis firmly on the mouth, "I love you most."

Harry leaned in to kiss him again, and Louis smiled against his lips. He knew it would be a long, hard road, just as it had been when he was a teenager. But he'd get through and he'd be okay again. And this time, he'd stay that way.


End file.
